The weekend before Thanksgiving, I went to visit my son on the college campus where he is about to graduate at the end of this academic year. As I sat in the student center waiting for him to wake up from an overnight “decorating the campus for Christmas” event, my thoughts drifted back to my own college days. Like most other 19 to 22-year-olds at that stage of life, I was busy trying to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be.
As I sat there reflecting, I recognized something that I’ve grown to be very grateful for over the years. I’d come through several years in high school getting a lot of attention for my work in theatre and speech and vocal music. My identity was wrapped up in the roles I played recently on stage. People liked those characters and seemed to like me playing a character better than they liked the real me. I certainly got more attention, validation, and positive feedback as a character on stage than I did in real life. For my final three years in high school, I went from show to show, getting cast in the leading role because I was tall, I had a decent voice, and there wasn’t a whole lot of competition in my little high school. I even acted all through the summer with a local community theatre. It was a constant feed of adrenaline and validation during a pretty insecure time of life when young people wonder how they are measuring up and constantly compare themselves to others. By day I was bullied by the resident jocks that were jealous that I was kissing their girlfriends on stage. They’d call me names and push me around in the hallways. After the school day ended, however, I walked tall, had a song in my heart, and people loved me. Sure there was conflict… but the script always helped things work out in the end and people applauded as I took a bow.
I’ve always been thankful for the validation I felt during those formative years when so much of my life was confusing, frustrating, and frightening. It taught me that I could have a voice, even if it was someone else’s words. It taught me the power of standing up straight, projecting a confident image of myself even when I felt butterflies flying completely out of formation inside. It taught me the art of improvisation. It gave me countless melodies to fill my heart and mind that were more positive, hopeful, and inspiring than the hours that would have been replaced by sad songs preoccupied with love, loss, and loneliness repeated on the radio. Examples from my era that come to mind: “Feels Like the First Time” (Foreigner), “We’re All Alone” (Boz Scaggs), “Why Not Me?” (Fred Knobloch), “Love the One You’re With” (Stephen Stills).
So, in my freshman year of college, I did something crazy. I sat out for a season. Here’s how that happened:
- As my freshman year was approaching, I remember thinking “This is a new opportunity, meeting new people for the first time. Will they like me there?”
- Then I caught myself wondering “Would people like me more if I acted like Curly from Oklahoma, Harold Hill from The Music Man, or Danny Zuko from Grease?”
- And fortunately I stopped myself and said, “This is sick! Do I even know who I am anymore? Or who or what I want to be when I grow up? Am I even capable of growing up if I’m preoccupied with trying to be someone that everyone else will like?”
So that semester I took the challenge of “working on my own character” rather than “studying how to be another character.” I discovered that I didn’t just want to play being the good guy; I really wanted to be a good guy. I discovered that being authentic was the hardest character work I’d done, but also the most rewarding. I discovered that having my heart broken in real life was something that I tried hard to avoid, but sharing my heart was more important. It would be about 10 more years before I thought I was ready to get married. One of the things that my wife found so strange was that I invited three or four old girlfriends to our wedding. She wasn’t very good friends with any of her exes (which, in hindsight, should have told me something)! I worked hard on my relationships to ensure we were friends first and last. I realized that life was about more than playing a role that people would applaud me for. For me, life had become more about standing tall in the skin of the true character I’d developed, and after all the drama and tragedy that life’s scripts seemed to offer, to be willing to bow in humility and gratitude, to honor those that have helped me along the way… to grow, to change, to journey with me through life’s valleys and peaks.
Today I’m thankful for those people who have helped me learn to live at peace with who I am today:
- Those that walked with me through all the roles I “tried on” through each season of life: Your love has proven to be better than the love of my family who, by nature, taught me more about conditional love than unconditional love.
- Those that provided validation and feedback when I was growing into my authentic self: Your affirmation and encouragement has allowed me to extend grace to myself and others along the way when life is less than perfect.
- Those that challenged me with rejection, intimidation, control, and those less-than-pleasant real-life experiences: While I can’t say that it’s been fun, you’ve given me opportunities I wouldn’t have otherwise had to prove to myself how much I want to live with integrity, grace, and generosity… (and how far I still have to grow some days)!
Who is it that you find yourself grateful for today? Write them a note to let them know!
Who else could you work up gratitude for that has helped you grow, even if they seemed to be more interested in cutting you down than building you up? Take the time and the responsibility to acknowledge the pain. Choose to process the grief, to let go of the hurt, and courageously to allow gratitude to replace any residue of bitterness!
How could you take some time to celebrate the things you’ve learned over the past few years? We can be so critical of the mistakes we’ve made along life’s way. So, while you are letting go of painful pasts, forgive yourself and be grateful for being more mature today than you were yesterday… then go ahead and enjoy being a bit more grown-up than you were in your 20s… Gratefully!
